Definitely, Maybe

I dont know how to start..i just know i want to write.

I had an amazing day. it seems to be a regular thing that everytime i have fun, i'll be emo later. why is that, i do not know.

Sometimes, when you drive back alone, slowly in the night, rain drops falling on your wind screen, listening to certain songs, and for no apparent reason, you just feel... sad. While it might seem out of the blue, or just all of a sudden, but honestly, maybe the sadness was just bottled up all this time, and it comes out when it just can't take it anymore.

Have you woken up crying, not knowing what really happened? a bad dream maybe? have you been lying down, staring at the ceiling fan, just..staring at it.. or when you tuck yourself on bed, and you wish you could just wish someone good night, and you realize you don't know whom to wish so. And you end up just closing your eyes, and wishing that you never prayed to the shooting star that night. And when you can't sleep, you toss and turn on your bed, and you start crying without even knowing why, but even as tears run down your cheeks, you aren't sad. you know you aren't sad, but you just can't explain why you are crying. have this happened to you?

It is not because you aren't sad. You cry because you are sad, it is just that when you get sad so much, you end up becoming accustomed to it. Sadness becomes part of your life, it comes everyday, and you can go on with it everyday, since it has become a normal regular routine, just like the way you sleep.

I think i know what is wrong with me. Something really important has been taken away from me. Not Love, not Trust, not Friendship, it is Hope. Yes, it is Hope, it has been taken away from me.

I remember now, not so far back, i was telling myself, " why can't i look forward to doing something fun anymore?".... unconsciously, i stopped hoping for anything. I stopped looking forward to having fun, i stopped looking forward to being happy, i stopped hoping to ever be as happy as i was before, and today i did the right thing, i did not hope to get a hug :)

Of all the things to take away from me, it was Hope.

And honestly, i never really thought the extent of damage would go this far. It is true that i am happy often, but when i dig down inside, i know it is hollow. But i should not complain, im laughing and im surrounded by amazing people, what else i need? i do have what i need already, if i can live with sadness, living with emptiness isnt that so much harder. But honestly, i never thought the extent of my damage would be this bad. Everyday i try to suppress my sadness,and one fine day, something like this happens.

I got to thank a few people here. i'll thank atif nazir for creating fighters club. I can't sleep. I'm too afraid of dreaming anything at all. I'm just tired of waking up crying. and slowly,over the years, i've developed insomnia. I should really try sleeping pills, but at least, when im awake in the middle of the night now, i can still play this stupid game. And there are people like clarissa and lelani. They keep me company till i start sleeping off on my chair, and when i get to bed, i dont think of anything, i just close my eyes and sleep. Unless the rest of them who stay awake to play that game, im playing it because i stay awake.

i'll be forever indebted to Alexis. When VRS kicked me out, i've begged them to let me stay. I dont want to talk to anyone, i dont need to know new people, just please let me jump. It gives me something to do when i cant sleep, i remember begging so badly. haha... im glad alexis caught me at that moment, and brought me to elites. at least now, i keep myself occupied in the night.

But there are some things that i realized is true. Life is never a fairy tale, and a person can never love someone, and be loved back the same way. and honestly , i don't want to fight anymore. i don't want to continue walking through a dark tunnel, groping and finding my way not knowing what is the end. I'm going to stop here , i'll just sit down here in the dark, and wait for everything to end. I'm tired. I give up. Indeed it is true, my life has been decided when i prayed to the shooting star.

i gave you my hand and i trusted you. But you left me in the rain alone.



i hate the rain